Q: I have a good life. A loving husband, healthy kids, a nice house and a good job. Sure, we have money problems and family issues, but overall we’re blessed. I even get along with my parents and my brothers and sisters. But I know I don’t enjoy my life enough. I’ve struggled with depression at times, and am often critical and irritable with my husband and kids. Medication helps a little, but doesn’t solve my problem. I don’t like taking it anyway. I often feel like I’m faking it-going through the motions. What I really want to do is stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I must be really messed up, right? Maybe my mother was right and I’m just spoiled because I’m the youngest.
A: It’s hard to say exactly what’s going on without knowing your specific family history and other details of your life, which we will gather if you come in for therapy, but there are some principles that apply to all of us:
1. Individuality and Togetherness. All people struggle with a tension between the emotional forces for Individuality and Togetherness. The togetherness force is a biologically rooted life force that pushes individuals to be part of the group. The togetherness force encourages dependence, agreement, following, and harmony. The togetherness force is always operating in dynamic tension with the force for individuality, “a biologically rooted life force that propels an organism to follow its own directives to be an independent and distinct entity” (Kerr and Bowen, 1988, p. 64). More pressure for togetherness often exists than room for individuality. When the forces get out of balance, this contributes to Chronic Anxiety. In your case, it may be that the pressures of being a wife, mother, homemaker, daughter and employee are making it difficult for you to honor your need to be an individual among your loved ones. This might explain your desire to separate yourself and “pull the covers” over your head.
2.:Chronic and Acute Anxiety. The level of chronic anxiety you inherited and carry may be contributing to your symptoms of mild to moderate depression:
Anxiety is an organism’s response to a real or imagined threat. All living things experience anxiety in some form. Anxiety triggers physical manifestations, such as heart rate and blood pressure changes, gaze aversion, fight or flight responses, and heightened alertness or fear sensations. Though a certain level of anxiety mobilizes physical and mental resources necessary for human survival, some reactions to threat in modern life may not be adaptive.
Chronic anxiety differs from acute anxiety. Acute anxiety is usually a response to a real threat and is of short duration. Chronic anxiety arises within our relationships, is related to the tension between the togetherness and individuality forces, and has a more enduring quality. Chronic anxiety often exceeds a person’s ability to cope with it and leads to the development of physical or emotional symptoms.
3. Differentiation of Self. Differentiation of self is defined as your ability to distinguish between your thoughts and feelings in your emotional relationship systems. Ultimately, the goal of therapy is to increase your level of differentiation. The less well-differentiated you are, the more dependent you will be on the acceptance and approval of others. This dependence will prompt you to either adjust what you think, say, and do to please others or else decide what others should be like and pressure them to conform. Rebels are people who pretend to be mature (well differentiated) but compulsively take the outsider position. This pattern usually starts in childhood, but it doesn’t sound like it describes you. It wouldn’t be surprising to discover that one of your siblings tends to be the rebel or “black sheep” because in families where there’s a very good kid, there’s often one who’s thought of as the opposite. Polarizations of this type are a reflection of chronic anxiety in the family system.
Characteristic of a higher level of differentiation is the willingness and ability to recognize your realistic dependence on others, and the ability to stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking based on facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making you less at the mercy of your feelings of the moment. You can act selflessly, but acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a reaction to pressure from the group. Confident in your thinking, you can either support another’s view without following blindly or reject another view without making anyone a “bad guy”. This is a lifelong journey, as no one is ever “differentiated”. It’s always a work in progress. The higher your level of differentiation, the fewer the interpersonal difficulties you’ll tend to have, and the easier the time you’ll have coping with life’s inevitable challenges. You’ll also find it easier to be intimate with your loved ones because closeness won’t feel like being “swallowed up”. Working to raise your level of differentiation can help alleviate your depressive symptoms in a long lasting way.
According to Ed Friedman (Friedman, 1999, p. 183):
Differentiation refers to a direction in life rather than a state of being:
Differentiation is the capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system.
Differentiation is saying “I” when others are demanding “we”.
Differentiation is containing one’s reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the ability to avoid being polarized.
Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.
Differentiation is knowing where one ends and another begins.
Differentiation is being able to cease automatically being one of the system’s emotional dominoes.
Differentiation is being clear about one’s own personal values and goals.
Differentiation is taking maximum responsibility for one’s own emotional being and destiny rather than blaming others or the context.
