Q. When we first met, my girlfriend and I could talk about anything. Why do we keep ending up in arguments now?
A. Remember how easy it was to get along in the beginning of your relationship? It seemed like you could talk about anything without fear of being judged. You were excited to see each other, but open and honest about all kinds of personal subjects. Now it’s changed between you. You worry more about saying or doing the wrong thing. And you also find yourself being more critical, more easily irritated by what your partner says and does. Sometimes you may even feel like you are walking on eggshells. Maybe you are the kind of couple who argues, or maybe you are the kind of couple who avoids talking when upset, but either way, sometimes you just wish it was how it was in the beginning of your relationship; fun and easy.
It is normal for emotional intensity and sensitivity to develop between two people who are physically and emotionally close to one another. There is always a dynamic tension between the normal human needs for closeness on the one hand, and individuality on the other. Often, one of you will “carry” more of the need for closeness while your partner “carries” more of the need for separateness; balancing these opposing forces is a common source of conflict and distance in a relationship.
Because few of us understand the normal relationship process as it happens, we try our best to manage the growing intensity and sensitivity, but end up getting stuck in repetitive, sometimes dysfunctional, patterns. You should recognize your own relationship in one or more of the patterns described below:
1. Conflict. This relationship pattern is characterized by periods of intense closeness followed by conflict, followed by making up. During the conflict phase, neither partner wants to give in. People who engage in conflict tend to become critical when their anxiety or stress is high. They blame others, project their problems onto others, focus more on the faults of other than the self, and sometimes become verbally or physically abusive.
2. Distance. Distance can look like two people living parallel lives. Sometimes the distance takes the form of the “pursuer-distancer” relationship. (Because in fact both partners have difficulty with intimacy, the pursuer will likely begin to distance if the distancer comes in closer.) Distancing can be seen in periods of being “not on speaking terms”, workaholism or any other “ism” including drug use, excessive time spent on hobbies, withdrawing into silence when upset, superficial communication with significant others, and difficulty relating to family members.
3. Over functioning/under functioning reciprocity. Signs of over-functioning include: Advice-giving, doing things for others that they could be doing for themselves (co-dependence), worrying excessively about others, knowing what is best for others, feeling responsible for others, talking more than listening, having goals for others they don’t have for themselves. Over- functioning causes people to feel burnt-out or as though they’ve “lost themselves” in the relationship.
Signs of under-functioning include: Asking for advice rather than thinking for yourself, asking many people for advice and not taking it, getting others to do things for you, acting irresponsibly, listening more than talking, being without personal goals, not following through with goals, often becoming physically or mentally ill, tending to become addicted. Sometimes people flip from one position to the other depending on circumstances, for example being an over-functioning child in the childhood family and then becoming an under-functioning partner. That’s why it is a mistake to think of the over-functioning partner as more healthy, independent, or mature than the under-functioning partner; it takes one to have the other, and is a common way that couples adapt to try to manage the stress between them.
At times over or underfunctioning leads to dysfunction in one or both partners. The toll of chronically anxious coping styles can contribute to or trigger physical or emotional illness.
4. Triangles. A relationship triangle is formed anytime a relationship between two people becomes unstable. Triangles are normal and only become problematic when they get “stuck” or they prohibit you and your boyfriend from being able to resolve your issues. When people have affairs what they have done is triangle a lover into the relationship. People don’t easily recognize that affairs are always about the original relationship and a consequence of emotional distance that has crept in as a result of chronic tension. Triangles are also evident when two people are gossiping or complaining about a third person. Other indications of triangles include jealousy, arguing with your partner about someone or something outside of your relationship, and more time spent thinking about someone beside yourself or your own relationship.
Because it will be your objective to take responsibility for your actions in your relationship, you can address your marriage or relationship by yourself in sessions, or with your partner. If your partner isn’t ready to make changes, no excuses! You can start on your own. Probably, when she realizes you feel better and are making progress, your loved one will decide to join the process.
